Moment
by pepperclay
Summary: Sometimes you have to go backwards to realized what you've done. [Sora/Roxas] [Sora/Kairi]


Trying to get back into fanfic writing folks.

* * *

He stares at the clock, watching the hands go in a circle. The tick tock in tune with his foot tapping in order to keep time. The doctor across from his is an older man with a salt and pepper beard. Said doctor was checking his clipboard, writing.

"So Roxas," the doctor said, catching the boy's attention. "How are you today? What did you do?"

Roxas shrugged, and rubbed the back of his blond head, making more spikes. "I'm fine. I read some today...it was a novel by McCarthy. Heard of him?"

"Some. What's he like?"

"He's..." Roxas thought and made a few hand gestures. "Interesting? His writing style is minimalist, no commas or quotation marks and few apostrophe's. Paragraph's are extra spaced. There isn't much of a plot either yet for some reason I do like it. Maybe it's because I watched the movie before buying the book, some biased on my part."

"In our last session you had a few colorful choice words about Bukowski too along these lines. Are you passionate about literature?" The doctor asks, looking up from the paper he's writing on.

Roxas takes a moment to stare at his name tag and smirks. _Ironic last name. _

"Well Saint, at one point I wanted to be a writer, I guess everyone wants to be one right? I went to school, got a degree, and then wrote a few articles describing photography of landscapes and birds. Something to keep busy."

"So what happened? You're not insane, you're interesting. You have a passion about life that I haven't seen in a long time, a good head on your shoulders." Saint drums his fingers against his knee.

"That would require telling you what happen. Everything from last year."

Saint looks at the clock, rubbing his beard. "We got time. You can start if you want too or we can do this tomorrow-"

The blond interrupted. "No it's fine...I think I can talk about it now."

"Alright then," Roxas hears a flip of paper and the click of a pen. "Talk when your ready."

"Okay." Roxas says, taking deep breaths.

* * *

How we met was simple. He was the boyfriend of an high school classmate of mine and she invited me plus a few friends over to their apartment for a movie marathon.

It was nice being around people for once, I was on break from school and I come to realize that summer was probably the worst time for me. I become more alone, left to my own devices...you could say that I'm more suspectable to suicidal ideation. So when I got the invitation, I thought it would do me some good.

Before I know it, a few hours have passed, I'm drunk and kissing him. Grabbing his hair, I'm being pulled into his lap and then when we break for air, I can feel her eyes on me. I turn my head a little and found her staring with a surprised expression. I just get off of him, brush my clothes and give a small smile to her, before getting dragged off to go home.

I wanted to apologize to Kairi, but I don't think 'sorry I made out with your boyfriend' would cut it.

Yet I didn't have too, she contacted me a few days later with a proposal:  
I could have sex with Sora if I wanted too.

* * *

"And did you?" Saint makes eye contact with him, Roxas notices for the first time that his eyes are hazel, dark circles underneath.

"Of course I did. I'm young, and my friend Axel told me to just do it, I deserved to live a little and get some relief while I could. But in hindsight, it wasn't the best idea at all."

* * *

Fast forward a few months after the first time with Sora. It became a regular thing to have me around the apartment, when Kairi's kids were at their father's, when it was just the three of us. Sora would give me short pecks of the check, forehead, lips. Kairi would ruffle my hair and sometimes make out with Sora in front of me. It was a weird arrangement, mostly for the fact that I wouldn't sleep with Kairi, gay and all that.

I sadly couldn't see the cracks in their relationship then. I really wish I would of noticed the fights they would have after I fall asleep in their bed. Sora wanted to be with me, and Kairi wanted to stop the liasions, just for them to be together for her...their children.

In a way, I think Kairi resented me a little, I was taking Sora away and apparently their relationship didn't have a strong foundation in the first place. Eventually I would get dates canceled on me, and when I did go to see them, Sora would push me out of the way, saying that Kairi wasn't feeling well, they were fighting, maybe we should meet somewhere else Roxas and so on and so forth.

* * *

"Are you still in contact with Sora or Kairi?"

"No. Not anymore. Eventually they stopped talking to me and I tried to move on."

"Tried?"

He laughs. "Yeah though it doesn't help that Sora showed up at my door one day."

* * *

Sora looked like hell when I opened the door. He was shaking, soak the bone in rain water and I think he was going to cry at one point.

He didn't say what was wrong with him until I gave him some of my clothes to wear and made him hot chocolate to drink.

"Kairi's dead. She...we had another fight, about you, and she just got up a left. 'I need to clear my head' she said, took my keys and everything. From what they told me there was a drunk driver that was on the wrong side of the road. She swerved and hit a tree. Death was instant. No pain, no nothing." He looks at me, blue eyes dulled out.

I tell him I'm sorry because I'm horrible at these kinds of conversations. I try to offer him a place to stay for a bit, with time he could get back on his feet and then maybe everything will get better. This is when he kisses me, and I felt...nothing.

"I love you."

"Sora...I can't"

"Roxas, don't. Please."

"No Sora, I have to say this, all the times I try to bring it up before you either distracted me by sex or you change the topic. I can't love you, what we had was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm sorry if I had the impression that I wanted more and that I somehow led you on. But your just doing this because you don't want to think about Kairi, right?"

He stares at me, or it seems like through me.

"Sora..." Before I could get another word out he just leaves and slams the door. I'm left with my own thoughts and shake my head.

"Fucking idiot, your a fucking idiot Roxas"

* * *

"A few weeks later I heard that Sora died...he killed himself, hanging. He also left a note saying that it's all my fault. And yeah doc, I think this is my fault, everything is. This is why I'm in here. Here I can't hurt anyone and ruin lives, and everyone is better without me." He's crying at this point, holding his head in his hands.

"Is that the answer you want?"

When he doesn't get an reply, Roxas rubs his eyes and look around. He didn't know where he was, all that he saw was shapes and Saint wasn't there. Again and again, Roxas called out in the center of this place that wasn't a place at all.


End file.
